Flaunt the real you, shed putting on the ‘please-all’ appearance

Real issues get hidden behind the veneer of ‘acceptable’ and potentially profitable appearances and cause harm to the well-being of individuals. This approach to appearances engenders a harmful culture of superficiality with a disregard for reasonable concerns

It would be slightly impractical to summarily say that appearances do not matter despite the adage that ‘appearances can be deceptive’. Professionally, the look of confidence and a befitting sartorial garb often makes for a powerful presence. Personally, maintaining an imposing appearance of calmness and stability can keep you well-placed in equations. Yet, all is not perfect in the world of appearances and we need to understand that appearances must be agential and willed and not out of pressure or duress.

Gone wrong, the regime of appearances can overwhelm and jeopardize our existences and create unfavourable circumstances. It is significant to understand that appearance has to be a tool in our hands and not something that assumes mastery over our lives. Both empirical findings and case studies demonstrate how much the pressure of keeping up appearances has taken over our lives.

A study by Deloitte discovered how 82 per cent of respondents believed that appearance-based covering was ‘somewhat’ to ‘extremely’ important to their professional advancement and that over 61 per cent of employees cover some aspect of their identity in one way or the other, including mental health problems and other personal challenges. This problem spills over to camaraderie as well, with people feeling compelled to appear in certain ways in front of their peers in informal settings. LiveMint reports with remarks, quoting the statement of a 22-year-old tax analyst at EY, “I have friends at work and when they plan a dinner, I can’t directly say no," […] “If I say no, I am considered antisocial. Sometimes you’re left with no choice." The inability to say no stems from the discomfort in discussing lack of resources. […] “Just one or two friends have been honest about being broke," It is difficult to admit being short of money, especially to friends.”

It is thus noteworthy that real issues get hidden behind the veneer of ‘acceptable’ and potentially profitable appearances and cause harm to the well-being of individuals. This approach to appearances engenders a harmful culture of superficiality with a disregard for reasonable concerns. How are you supposed to afford a merry soirée for friends if you’re short on money? How can you perform optimally at work if you have an active mental health problem about which you are too frightened to open up?

In the first instance, appearing financially secure can cost you your financial stability while in the latter you can be blamed for professional incompetence while having a problem that others might not face. In both these cases, you will suffer consequences that might seem grisly and unfair, all for the sake of an image you preferred to project yourself.

This is precisely the trap we need to avoid. Real life has real challenges and substantial responsibilities and to get real with these problems, we need to come to grips with the hard facts of our existence. For instance, ask yourself, “Do I really need to host a party when my finances are unstable?” and “Do I really need to hide my mental illness when I’m lagging behind at work while others are taking sick leaves for physical problems?” These questions can be answered with pragmatic solutions and good emotional control.

Emotion is one of the predominant reasons for an obsession with appearance— from the fear of being rejected and the anxiety of being seen as unfit to the self-loathing and awkwardness involved in the state of being vulnerable, we deny ourselves our very humanity and in turn, end up harming our personal and professional prospects.

We need to let real issues matter and accept our vulnerability to not let a concern for appearance put our existences in precarity.

Stine Pi Halmind, writing for LinkedIn, notes that when we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it’s because we instinctively try to protect ourselves from the (imagined) possibility of being hurt and yet, this ‘safety barrier’, prevents us from engaging completely with our work and the relationships and experiences that come along. Therefore, rejecting a culture of compulsorily putting together appearances lets us do better at several aspects of life and not let the illusion of a safety blanket distract us from actual problems and issues. To discard an obsession for appearance is to humanize yourself, to pose yourself against real challenges to find real rewards, to do justice to yourself and to the people and things that truly matter. Appearance has to be a weapon in your artillery, not a substitute for your organic brilliance and cultivated excellence, both of which can be accomplished through a zeal to prioritise substance over shadow.

So, go ahead, get real, move over appearances and reap the most bountiful harvest your potential can fetch!

(The author is Founder & CEO Upsurge Global and Adjunct Professor and Advisor EThames College)